Forgiving is one of the most difficult, and yet, one of the most important things we are sometimes called to do in our love relationship. As much as parts of us want to get the whole unpleasant business over and done with, something inside us wants revenge, wants to see the person who has hurt us suffer, grovel and beg; wants to extract an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth…and the greater the hurt we’ve suffered, the harder it is to contemplate the possibility of forgiving.

"It just drives me nuts! She never, and I mean NEVER screws the top back on the toothpaste. I remind her all the time, I plead and beg and rant and rave but she simply won't do it!" Guy tells me in utter frustration in one of our sessions. "You can't imagine how many fights we have about this", he adds. "She thinks that I am being unreasonable, picky and controlling but how hard is it to screw the top back on the toothpaste when you've finished with it?" 
I ask him how these fights usually end."Well, after a fight she stalks off to the bathroom, demonstratively screws the top back on the toothpaste, gives me a dagger look and climbs back into bed”.

“And then what happens?” I ask...."Well, then she turns her back to me and goes to sleep." So, no romance on those nights?” I query . "No way, after one of those she won't even turn around to say goodnight!"

Guy has surely won the battle …but it would seem to me that has also lost the war!

In the early stages of a couple’s relationship when their greatest desire is to spend as much time as possible together and melt right into each other if only they could - as described in the togetherness article - they may find the concept of separateness difficult to comprehend. Unfortunately, a lack of understanding or an inability to appropriate this concept can set the couple up for a co-dependent relationship. This basically means that they become so entangled emotionally that they lose a healthy sense of self. As co-dependence is a breeding ground for control and manipulation (whether subconscious or otherwise) as well as confusion, resentment and anger, recognising the necessity of separateness in a couple’s relationship is vitally important.

A true and lasting love can only be based on a foundation of freedom. SEPARATENESS is just as important for the healthy development and maintenance of a couple’s relationship - whether that be a marriage, a de-facto relationship or any other love partnership - as is TOGETHERNESS.